COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIORS The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless. Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision. When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says. Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, “Close enough.” Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting “Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo." Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me? I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime. Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud. Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn. So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill? Old age is coming at a really bad time. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees. Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet. Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway? Now, I'm wondering . . . did I send this to you, did you send it to me or have I only sent it to myself. You don't need anger management. You need people to stop irritating you. Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work. "On time" is, when you get there. Even duct tape can't fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound. It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free...and three sizes smaller. Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
"One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.
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Thanks to Marilyn for sharing these with me. I found myself agreeing with too many of them. How about you?
7 comments:
Let me just mention squirrels. My big question in life is not asking why a chicken crossed the road. No, I can't figure out why squirrels are constantly crossing roads. They seem to go back and forth all day long. Or are they only doing it while I am driving to perplex and torment me?
Great to think about these truths, which are also amusing. AC and squirrels...maybe they get together as a club of "The AC Annoyers" and take turns watching to see when you're coming. THere was one of their member who didn't make up his mind and became a pancake on my road a few days ago. I do feel bad about that, though I didn't do it. I brake for squirrels and other wildlife...will probably be the demise of me!
...nothing can fix stupid!
These are great. I particularly like the first oe.
A good laugh is always needed.
A good laugh is always needed.
These are all awesome. Thank you for sharing them. I could use a smile today.
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